And They Called It 'Failmui'
by alwayslazy
Summary: In which Obito can't handle it, Kakashi is in denial and the entire Hogwarts population is quite disturbed. It's all Madara's fault, anyway. [crack]
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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 **AND THEY CALLED IT 'FAILMUI'**

Chapter 01: In which Kakashi develops a potty-mouth

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It was a sunny day and barely any clouds grazed across the blue sky—unfitting for the start of yet another school year, some might have argued, but it was overall undeniably peaceful.

Well, apart from the majestic Hogwarts Express making its way across the rail tracks.

The placid atmosphere was soon to be disrupted, however, as some kind of vortex formed high above the scenery. Out of it tumbled two young men, roughly in their late twenties and that, apart from their eyes, contrasted perfectly. Both of them looked tattered though, and while the one with a head full of radiant white hair managed to land relatively steady on top of the red roof—only to have the ground pulled from under him not a second later because of the trains speed—his companion smashed flat onto the shiny metal.

"Fuck me," groaned the first one painfully, clutching his aching ribs with one hand and clawing at the trains roof with the other.

"I'd rather not," retorted the second one dryly, seemingly unable to move at all.

As Hatake Kakashi heaved a mirthless laugh, Uchiha Obito slowly regained the feeling in his legs and Albus Dumbledore, several miles away, got a particular feeling—the feeling that this year was going to be different.

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Kakashi hated trains.

It was a fact he could admit with such an intensity that surprised even him—he hated them with every fibre of his being and didn't hesitate in the _slightest_ to make it known to the world.

"I _know_ Bakashi, calm _down_ ," cried his companion against the cutting winds that whipped around their heads.

Kakashi looked back at him—chakra-taped to the roof of the gigantic, red _monster_ as if he did things like that every other day—and shot him a dry look. "Oh fuck _off_ , Obito. How did we get into this situation in first place? Oh _right_ , because you just _had_ to use the Mangekyou Sharingfuck for the grand finale, didn't you?"

"Hey!" cried the former head of a terrorist group—and how fucked up was _that_ thought?—indignantly and chakra-taped his left hand a little bit forward to crawl slowly but steadily in Kakashi's direction. "I didn't ask for this either, alright?! I thought that I would be in Infinite Tsukuyomi heaven by now, not on top of a death machine!"

"Oh, boohoo, Obito; boo- _fucking_ -hoo!"

"Would you stop swearing already", _you obnoxious fucking asshole_ , Obito wanted to shout; but he didn't like hypocrisy very much, so he left it at that.

"No, I will _not_ —I need a way to deal with all this shit currently happening around me and until I've found something better, it is in my _goddamn right_ to swear my bloody _throat_ out if I _fucking feel like it_!"

To be honest, Kakashi wasn't all that mad at Obito—he just needed some kind of vent and the black-haired man, whom he could thank for being in this position anyway, was practically perfect for that job.

They were now both on the same height—thanks to much crawling on Obito's side—and while the Uchiha used the strength he had left to sit up and look around without falling off and plunging into his death, Kakashi was content to just lie there and do nothing while he let the wind play with his hair.

One would surely want to know ' _How did two Elite Shinobi get into this kind of situation?_ ' and the answer was surprisingly simple. ' _Desperate use of a new form of Kamui without knowing what it does by Uchiha Obito to avoid being impaled by the one and only Raikiri and depleting almost all chakra-reserves in the process gg well played._ '

Who in their right mind _did_ that?

And screw his earlier thought—looking back, Kakashi _was_ mad at Obito for bringing them onto a train to hell, for being _alive_ , for leading the goddamn _Akatsuki_ all these years and—

"Fuck!"

"Hypocrite," Kakashi shot back without missing a beat.

"No, no; I'm sure even the purest newborns would swear in a situation like this—"

"I doubt that."

"—and would you just _look already_?!"

Kakashi slowly got up onto his elbows and looked in the direction Obito's shocked—and a bit panicky, even though the Uchiha would never admit that because he was a _calm_ individual, thankyouverymuch—gaze was pointing at; the direction the train was going.

After that, he really couldn't argue with Obito's reaction anymore, "Fuck."

Because there was a tunnel—god, why did it have to be a _tunnel_ —and it didn't look big enough to fit the train, let alone _them_ on top of said train.

"Okay," Kakashi said and if Obito had paid any kind of attention to him and not the oncoming _doom_ , he would have noticed his oddly dreamy tone. "You're right. Even the purest virgins would cuss at a time like this and all the newborns would _beg_ to crawl back into their mom's—"

"Get it together and take my hand!" Obito shouted, a plan forming steadily in his head.

"Oh, did you mean _your_ hand or the white zombie-plant-glibber half of your body consists of?"

"Now is not the time to be a total dick about anything and everything on the planet—just _grab_ it!"

"Oh, did you mean _our_ planet or this one?"

"Bakashi, I _swear_ —"

The whistling of the train unfortunately droned out everything else and according to Obito's wild gestures it would have been quite the scolding, too. Shame.

Knowing that he was going to go 'Splat' if he didn't do anything soon, Kakashi shifted his tired body a little bit forward and reached out with an unsteady arm. His wrist was immediately encircled by Obito's hand—the real one, not the zombie-glibber—and Kakashi closed his eyes, too tired to be suspicious of his friend-turned-enemy anymore.

Soundlessly, the Mangekyou flared up; drawing both men into a strange vortex which let them glide through the obnoxiously red roof just in time to avoid being crushed—an experience Obito didn't want to make again, to be quite honest.

When they both finally crashed to the ground inside a compartment full of screeching Hufflepuff girls, Obito didn't even feel the impact anymore as he had joined Kakashi in blissful unconsciousness.

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 **a/n:** **Thanks for reading. I apologize for any mistakes; with this story I hope to improve my English as it isn't my first language. The next chapter is hopefully going to be longer. That's all.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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 **AND THEY CALLED IT 'FAILMUI'**

Chapter 02: In which the existence of life is questioned

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The moment he woke up he knew that something was wrong.

Not the usual ' _Oh shit I forgot to water my plant_ ' kind of wrong—even though he'd never had a plant in first place and Zetsu just didn't _count_ —but the ' _Oh shit I'm being held captive in the lair of an insane dead-but-not-quite Uchiha maniac that wants me to shoot my eye to the moon or something like that I don't even know I was too busy wallowing in pain from being crushed by a god damn rock to listen_ ' kind of wrong.

And that feeling alone was very unsettling for him, to be quite honest.

So when he opened his eyes, Sharingan ready to _kamui_ the hell out, he didn't expect the sight that greeted him. Like, at all.

"Oh, you're awake," Kakashi greeted quite disinterestedly, one hand rubbing his masked chin and the other one hovering above a _chess board_ of all things—were the pieces actually _glaring_ at the one-eyed Jounin? Because Obito was pretty sure that one of the rooks just said 'Decide already!' in a very pissed off tone of voice, but that thought was just ridiculous... I mean, _right_?

"Ah yes, Obito—was it?"

Obito had always prided himself to be quite observant—well, not _always_ , but after he became Tobi anyway—but at this moment he honestly couldn't find _any_ explanation for why he hadn't noticed Kakashi's _opponent_ sooner.

The man was practically a beacon of... colour and eccentricity.

Almost as bad as Maito Gai, that shrewd little kid that, for some reason, had always wanted to be Kakashi's 'Eternal Rival' or something like that—in a time where everything had been alright and Obito's worst problems were his crush on his female teammate and his growing rivalry with Kakashi; _that's right, because Kakashi had been_ his _rival, not Gai's! Who did the kid think he was, anyway, claiming rivalries like that?!_

Obito was brought back to the present by _something_... shining into his field of vision. No, not 'shining'; it was more like a _twinkle_ and after a short moment he realised that it came from the old—because that's what the man was; he was _old_ —man's _eyes_.

They were fucking _twinkling_ like the teeth of one certain spandex wearing bowl-head.

Without thinking, Obito opened his mouth—just to close it again because Kakashi beat him to it.

"No, he's not related to Gai."

Dear lord, those eyes only twinkled _brighter_.

"Do you want some tea, boy?" Gai's not-relative asked and held up some kind of stick. "You don't look so good."

"Of course I don't look good; I just failed in conquering the world, fell out of the sky and had a very traumatic experience with _train-riding_ ," Obito wanted to shout, but all of a sudden his vision blurred and black spots danced in front of his eyes. His mouth just wouldn't open either and the last thing he heard before losing consciousness _again_ was the old man saying "Oh my—he must be still quite worn" with Kakashi replying "Maa, no worries; he tires easily."

The dick.

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When he woke up again, sunlight filled the corner of his vision—real _sunlight_ , not some twinkly shit in the eyes of some random old coot without any knowledge on how to dress himself—and Obito noticed, for the first time, the sharp smell of antiseptics that penetrated the air of what looked like a hospital.

Although it seemed more like a room filled with beds and weird substances on shelves than an actual hospital—a hospital _wing_ , maybe? Orochimaru's lair? Hell?

Obito sighed and forced his body to sit up. He noticed that he lay on a bed, the scratchy covers itching on his naked arms uncomfortably and he wore some sort of pyjama pants that were just as bad.

He sighed _again_ —internally hoping that it wouldn't become a habit—looked to the left and almost jumped, wouldn't it be for his steely self-control.

"Yo."

There was Kakashi, sitting on the edge of the bed next to his. _Staring at him_ like some kind of disturbed, one-eyed _owl_.

"Wha—" Obito looked around. The twinkly old man was gone, the stool next to Kakashi's bed empty and the chess board sat innocently atop a bedside table. Not a single piece moved.

Had it only been a sick dream? If so, then Obito wouldn't be surprised at all—he'd had a lot of weird dreams in the past. Hell, you couldn't live with the Akatsuki _without_ having weird dreams every other night.

He looked at Kakashi again, who was _still_ staring at him—hell, did the man _ever_ blink?!

And then, suddenly, "I was thinking about whether or not to kill you."

Kakashi's tone was serious—nothing like the pissed-off-but-kinda-good-natured voice he'd had atop the Red Train Straight From Hell™.

His ex-teammate had _actually_ contemplated if he should kill Obito while he slept like a baby in comatose and he didn't know if he was comfortable with that—screw this, Obito was _so_ not comfortable with that.

"Then why—" _am I still alive_ went unsaid.

"Because I think," always one for dramatics, Kakashi paused.

Obito's eye twitched.

"Because I think you're redeemable. Kinda. Even though you're an idiot."

Obito's eye twitched again.

"Or maybe it's _because_ you're an idiot."

His arm joined his eye with the twitching.

"Yeah, that must be it. I mean; Uchiha Obito has never been known for common sense, right?"

"You—!" Obito grabbed the nearest pillow and hurled it with all his might—which, given his current strength, wasn't much—at the white head next to him. It flew over Kakashi's head, pushed some glass vials off a table in the process, smashed against the wall and fell limply to the floor.

Silence.

How embarrassing.

Kakashi smiled—maybe. He could be just crinkling his eyes, too; Obito never knew with that stupid mask.

"See? The Obito _I_ know is still in there somewhere. I mean, beneath all the white zombie-plant-gli—"

"Will you stop calling it that already!"

After that, they fell into a more or less peaceful silence. Obito, not knowing what to do, looked down on his hands—one of them looked rough, _scarred_ , while the other one reminded him uncannily of plastic. Thoughts of Sasori briefly filled his mind, but he pushed them away almost instantly. He didn't want to think of dead comrades now. _Now_ , when he didn't have to think about anything, really—he could be just enjoying his time in this dimension while it lasted, right? Right.

And then Kakashi opened his mouth, the smile quite clear in his voice, and smashed _every peaceful thought_ Obito had _ever_ had since waking up for the second time: "It wouldn't do anything to kill you _here_ anyway, would it? I mean, Infinite Tsukuyomi doesn't work like that."

Brief silence. Then, "Are you _completely_ retarded? You're right, Infinite Tsukuyomi _doesn't work like that_. You wouldn't _know_ that you're under it, because it doesn't _allow_ you to _think_ about it. Don't be an idiot."

"Maybe it _wants_ me to think that."

"Retard."

"But it makes sense—why would there be a way to make tea _fly_ —"

"Wait, what—?"

"—and _talking chess pieces_ ; c'mon, Obito."

" _Wait_ , that was _real_?"

Now Kakashi looked at him as if _he_ was the one running around raving about being under the influence of an illusion.

"Yes—I mean, no—I—"

"It's called 'magic', Mr Hatake," a third voice suddenly chimed in, the kind tone instantly ringing a few bells in Obito's head.

"You're Gai's relative! You're actually _there_."

The old man smiled. "You may call me whatever you feel like, but personally, I prefer 'Dumbledore'. And now, gentlemen; I assure you, you are under no illusion or spell."

Obito mouthed the word 'spell' with a particular expression on his face—as if he'd just swallowed a very weird fruit and couldn't quite decide what it tasted like—while Kakashi retorted smartly, "Maybe that's what Infinite Tsukuyomi _wants_ me to think."

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 **a/n:** **Thanks for reading. I apologize for any mistakes and I want to thank you all for your wonderful reviews, faves and follows. I'm still kinda surprised and very glad that the first chapter went down so well. The next one is hopefully going to be ready soon. That's all.**


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